Monday, December 13, 2010

Dear Hipsters: I Still Love THE HUNGER...or Joe Answers His Fan Mail

                                      This picture has nothing to do with this blog post.

            Over the last month and a half or so, I’ve been approached by I can’t tell you how many people when I’ve been out in public.  I’ve been in line at Sunoco, 20-ouncer of Faygo X-Treme in one hand, Slim Jims in the other, anticipating a righteous night of processed meat byproducts and Red Dye #4 percolating in my nether regions, when some guy saddles up to me and asks “So, uh….when’s the blog gonna be updated?”  I’ve been visiting one of my coffee house fiancées when one of my fiancées from another coffee house materializes, throws a Double Grande Whole Milk Slushee in my face and yells “Blog time, baby!  Blog time!”  Hell, I’ve even been visited in my dreams by the ethereal materialization of Philip Baker Hall, asking me “I need me some blog action!”  And he’s not even dead (that I know of), which makes it even weirder.
            Well, my well-read and unemployed readership, rest assured that brand spankin’ new content is, indeed, forthcoming.  But until then, I’ve decided to let you all in on one of the fringe benefits of my job: fan mail.  Yes, here at Neff HQ, a crack staff of dedicated lunatics and recovering addicts whittles down thousands of crank letters and Ponzi scheme proposals into the absolute cream of adoring correspondence (yeah, I mixed my metaphors there.  But hey, maybe if you spent less time nitpicking for grammar, you’d have more of a job than part-time dogsitter.)  Herewith are the best of this month’s questions:

Dear Joe,

Have you ever considered extending your magnificent filmic eloquence into the home video market?  I’ve heard rumors of some top secret DVD project you’ve been working on.  Any truth to this?



Dear Dave,

Well, I suppose that it’s time to finally spill the beans (or other objects of your choice) about my covert project.  For six months, I’ve been working with Criterion on their upcoming Blu-Ray 10th Anniversary Edition of Tom Green’s Freddy Got Fingered.  Originally, I was only supposed to record a scholarly audio commentary (after all, I was voted as the official tri-state Tom Green Curator back in ’06), but the production team balked at the eleventh hour when I insisted on speaking in Hindi during the climactic Rip Torn/elephant scene.  So I proposed that I could instead visit Tommers in his palatial compound, located in a confidential Mexican fishing village.  But that too was scuttled when Jonathan Rosenbaum expressed interest in taking over the whole project; turns out he was voted the official Tom Green curator of the Midwest in ’08!  Shows what I know.  I’m still negotiating to include my unreleased audio commentary on the forthcoming vinyl box set God’s Personal Caddy: 25 Years of Joe Neff’s Sublime Genius, so keep your eyes peeled.

Dear Joe,

So do you still believe that Social Network is a reworking of Fight Club?  Come on, that was really just a dumb internet provocation masquerading as a serious essay, right?

Still hopeful,

Des Moines

Dear Miranda,

I think that the best way to answer your question is with some of the perplexing thoughts that have been racking my brain since my last blog post.  Such as:
-Why do so many professional wrestlers now come to the ring wearing trunks and a t-shirt, no pants?  It used to be that a guy could at least afford to wear some tearaway track togs or a pair of Zubaz over his trunks.  Do these modern guys consider how the length of their shirts makes them look like they’re not wearing anything underneath?  Is this a strange and cruel game of sexual humiliation by Vince McMahon?  Is it just really hot in the arenas?
-And speaking of Zubaz, I opened the paper this morning and there, on the cover of the Arts section was some twenty-year-old hipster wearing the once ubiquitous multicolored pants.  Hey kid, the only people who wore these things were weightlifters, grossly overweight men posing as weightlifters, and me.  Don’t give in to more 90’s nostalgia, please.
-Did you know that Axl Rose writes a regular New York Times column under the pseudonym Frank Rich?  No, really.  The tip off for me was this past Sunday's Get In The Ring, Obama column.  Classic, yet chilling, stuff.

That do it for ya, Miranda?  Cool.

Mr. Neff,

Have I got the opportunity of a lifetime for you!  For a mere $500 initial investment, you can be a part owner of Hunka Hunka Hunka Burnin’ Gold, the soon-to-be-hit Broadway musical dedicated to our last remaining investment property.  With your help, the American public will be able to thrill to the true story of how gold started out as a poor farmboy in Tupelo, only to find its soul at fifteen and rise to worldwide superstardom!  Join the investment team now and received the official HHHBG beer cozy and a DVD copy of The Chevy Chase Show: Season 1.

Thanks for your support,

Glenn B.
New York

Dear Glen,

I’d love to toss some cash your way, but I’m already invested in KLAUS!, the new Herzog musical that’s going into previews in two weeks. 

So there you have it folks.  Hope that’ll tide you over until my next missive.  In the meantime, do yourself a favor and see Punisher: War Zone a few times.  Dominic West really needs some royalties.